PTSD Diary

Trauma Symptoms

Mood symptoms:

  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Shock
  • Anger
  • Irritability
  • Mood swings
  • Despair
  • Guilt
  • Shame
  • Self-blame
  • Sadness
  • Panic attacks
  • Anger
  • Irritability
  • Hopelessness

Behavioral symptoms:

  • Frequent nightmares
  • Insomnia
  • Startled easily
  • Fatigue
  • Edginess
  • Self-medication with drugs and alcohol Self-harming behaviors
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Social isolation
  • Avoiding certain events that may trigger memories
  • Avoiding certain people

Physical symptoms:

  • Insomnia
  • Racing heartbeat
  • Muscle tension
  • Easily startled
  • Aches and pains
  • Exhaustion
  • Nightmares
  • Edginess
  • Agitation
  • Fatigue
  • Muscle tension
  • Dry mouth
  • Tachycardia
  • Headaches
  • Nausea and vomiting

Psychological symptoms:

  • Confusion
  • Difficulty concentrating Insecurities
  • Repressed memories
  • Dissociation
  • Emotional numbing
  • Constant fear
  • Denial and disbelief
  • Flashbacks — the individual may re-experience traumatic events over and over
  • Emotional detachment
  • Low self-esteem

Steve Teare Palouse WA
Sat 9 Jan 2016

Yesterday was the first grief group meeting. I cried a fair amount in silence. I felt the sorrow and emptiness of the two widows.
Last night I told Terrie I felt guilt and shame that she had to suffer to support me. I wept hard and she held my hand. I have felt like such a failure.
My load feels somewhat lighter today. I’m still thinking about it.
Later – Went and did wood project at Bonnie’s. Cam home aand worked on Robotics website. Waited for Greg. He never showed up. Took nap. Woke up to loud stereo. Worked hard on robotics. Terrie and Levi had rearranged the living room.
At scripture reading time, I had a meltdown and wept really hard. I felt Levi was being especially difficult. I just lost it because it was a good stress release. I told him how embarrassed I am to be a cripple. We talked some time and finally went to bed after 1 AM. I’m tired this morning but ready for church.

11 Jan 2016
This morning I wept as a I wrote Cotton and Bonnie. I told them both my suffering and also how I felt blessed. The less-conspicuous gift of being able to weep. – Marvin J. Ashton
Jennie Tevlin just brought by some elk meat for our family.
Stress knot and pain all day.
Levi’s presentation in Colfax. Gritting my teeth. Sensory overload. Had to take extra Lorazepam.

Tue 12 Jan 2016
Stress (shoulder) starts usually when I start thinking about “reality.” I probabaly am overwhelmed still. But I sense improvement.
In Marvin J. Ashton’s talk “There are many gifts” Oct 87 he mentions #2 – The Gift to Look TO God for direction.”
I felt the Holy Ghost when I read that section. It is an avenue of strength, comfort and guidance. “God becomes more approachable as we look to Him.”
I felt I should review my Patriarchal Blessing again.
Read: “ The Lord Desires Your Success” by Peggy Anderson BYU Speeches
Learned about Old age – Ego Integrity vs Despair.
Read A Gospel of Relationships” Marleen Williams, BYU talk.
Read Patriarchal blessing. Wondered about my life mission.
Read Eric Erikson’s philosophy: Ego Integrity vs Despair.
Wrote a new entry on PagePipe

I recognize my despair. Took out trash. Did dishes. Did laundry.
Lunch with Terrie. BP high 120/90. 122/74 now.
Hope is the opposite of despair. Hope is trust that Lord will fulfill His promises to us.
NO shoulder pain today (at 3pm still clear).
Took a 2 hour nap and woke up with stress. Rode bike. Minor imporvement. Decided to take Lorazepam.
Despair > Stress > Overwhelmed > Hysteria

13 JAN 2016
Went to temple with Cotton. Part of my life’s mission is to weep with those who weep.

1/14/16 Fri
Got up[ late 11am – tired from yesterday. I just finsihed reading this weeks reading assignment. Even though I feel really fragile and have despair, I know I will get better. How fast I don’t know. I do not know what the future will be but life will not be the same.
I have always been able to imagine a future. But now I’m cannot imagine any future. I feel incapacitated.
I have hope in Christ. The grief book says you have to get through it from your inner strength. I believe it comes from an outer strength – which is Jesus Christ. HE has suffered all things. HE is the one with the power to heal broken hearts. – Opening my computer is opening the door to grief.

Jan 16, 2016 – Saturday
The change of heart = loss of pride.
Christ knows how to carry our sorrows and release our burdens that we might be healed from within – made whole persons.
When we have hope, we trust God;s promises (peace) Patience and comfort of the scriptures bring hope.
Romans 15:4
With hope, we can find joy in this life.
-Hope correlates to gratitude.
-The Comforter fills us with hope.
-We must be meek and lowly.
-Despair is natural to the natural man. The natural man overreacts. Hope overrides.

Jan 17, Mon 2016
“Pain brings you to humility that allows you to ponder.” – Robert D. Hales.
“In the aginaies of life, we seem to listen better to the faint, Godly whisoerings of the Divine Shepard.”
“The sufferings of Our Savior were part of His education.” – Spenser W. Kimball
“The gospel isn’t a guarantee against tribulation. That would be like a test with no questions.” – Sheri L. Dew

Anne Morrow Lindberg: “I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. IF suffering taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable.”

Jan 18 Tues 2016
All the pain, stress, despair, shame, overwhelmed, guilt, hopelessness have returned from my childhood. I honor my parents by forgiving them.

Jan 19, 2016 Weds.
Yesterday really stressed me. I had therapy with Jeannie and my anticipation of emotional pain took a toll. No big breakthrough except
1) I felt sorry for the treatment I received as a kid from my parents.
2) I forgave my parents.
3) Painted myself into a corner – now waiting for the paint to dry so I can walk out.
4) Time is circular.
5) I have no identity.
6) I have hope to be creative again.

Jan 20, 2016 Thursday
At 1AM, I sat in the living room and wept for Kitzi, Jusko, and Karra. I miss them.
Wrote to Cotton and Brad.
LDS.ORG article: “As I pondered Lehi’s dream, I had a piercing realization. “Why haven’t I remembered this before?” I thought. Traveling through mists of darkness is a completely normal part of God’s plan. He allows us to experience difficulties from time to time so that we can completely depend on Him and His Son. The key is to cling to the iron rod. I still saw myself in mists of darkness, but had hope.
As this impression left my mind, I felt a sweet reassurance from the Holy Ghost that my trials would pass. The Spirit testified that Heavenly Father was there. I wiped the tears from my eyes, grateful that I had been able to feel the Spirit again.

Jan 21, Fri 2016
Spasms in ear canal, back muscle spasms left of spine, nerve pain in should and arm, heavy chest. Stress from grief.

Lilli cut my hair. I got here for Grief Group about a half hour early. Lowell just showed up. And I went in 20 minutes early.
Group session was difficult. I cried a lot. Went home and slept 3 to 4 hours.
Talked to Terrie 10pm until 11pm in bed. Then I played solitaire and listened to music until 2am. I had he pleasant thought of writing music and fantasized about using the studio. I didn;’t have stress. I was under the influence of my pain killer meds – Neurontin. By morning the desire was gone.

Sun 24 Jan 2016
“Strength is forged in adversity. Faith is developed in a setting where we cannot see what lies ahead.” – Dallin H. Oaks

Wed Jan 27 2016
Yesterday, I taught Diana’s Career Choice senior high school class. In the morning before leaving I had the thought, “The Lord keeps His promises.” And I felt the Holy Ghost testify that is true. It reduced my stress level. I had injured a nerve in a front tooth from gritting and clenching my teeth. It is improving and subsiding.
God will remember me.

Thurs Jan 28 2016
Cried twice today. Once last night. But my stress seems lower today than yesterday.
Made PagePipe “Cypher” entry.
“Sadness, disappointment, and sever challenges are EVENTS in life, not life itself.” – Richard G. Scott.
More:
“Don’t concentrate on what you don’t have or have lost.”

Sat Jan 20, 2016
Hard day so far. Recovering from Fridays group? It seems like I’ll never be stress reduced. Patience.

Sun Jan 31, 2016
Mom’s B-Day. Read stories. Had Panic attack alone.

Mon Feb 1, 2016
“Work is an antidote for anxiety, an ointment for sorrow, and a doorway to possibility” – Dieter F. Uchdorf.
Thur Feb 4, 2016
Did Taxes Tuesday. Wed recovery. Today slept in. Little stress knot. But yesterday had to take extra Lorazepam at 7pm. Cried Wednesday night for Dad.

FRI Feb 5 2016
Grief Group. High stress at night. Took extra Neurontin.

Sat 6 FEB 2016
Neurontin 300 mg extra. Helped fight burning in foot and allowed me to sleep last night.
Woke up and lay in bed until 1pm. Got up stress free. But stress started as I stated “living.”

Sun 7 Feb 2016
Brody and family visited.

Mon 8th Feb 2016
Nerves fried. 6Pm took extra Lorazepam.

Tue 9th Feb 2016
Read Lindsey Sterling. Empty, lonely, hollow. Cried with Terrie.

Weds 10th Feb 2016
Up at 11am. Did dishes.

“When the Lord’s timing conflicts with our own desires, trust that there may be some preparatory experience that Lord needs us to have before our prayers are answered.” -Linda K. Burton, 2014.

3 Nephi 9:20
“And they knew it not.”

Tuesady Feb 16 2006
Learing more about anxiety disorder symptoms. Just have to survive.

Feb 23 Tues 2016
Read book last week: “The Depression of Grief” coping with saddness and knowing when to get help” by Alan D Wolfelt

Also went to Temple with Cotton Sears on Thursday.
Life is very hard right now. Anxiety.
Started reduced depakote last night. Worked on Sid’s website. Heard form Dr. Bruce Wright email today.

Thurs 25 2016 FEB
I got up beore 10am. Heard Gaylon Campbell speaklast night. IT was difficult. Brad called and we talked for about 1.5 hours. I’m tired but no stress-knot in shoulder.

Applied for Graphic Design job at Decagon. I’m in God’s Hands. His will be done.

Fri 26 2016 FEB
3AM can’t sleep. Up at 9:15AM. Thinking about Decagon. Stayed up watching TV with Terrie until 1:30am.

SAT FEB 27 2016
Got up at 10AM. Then lay in bed for 1.5 hours. Look up about job interviewing on LDS.ORG. Had a small cry because if I’m interviewed it will be the first time in my life.

Tue MAR 1 2016
Sunday blessing from Brother Chuck Richards. Big weep. He said I would work again.

Mon MAR 2 2016
Therapy EMDR. Finished: “I choose.” Afternoon – Decagon rejection. I’m OK with it. Feeling some stress but greatly reduced.
Missionaries came by for a visit. Had dinner. Talked about diligence.
I’ve been awake all day since 8am with a break for 1 hour nap in afternoon. Stress level has been pretty high. Had missionaries give me a blessing.

11 essays on LDS.ORG
M. Russel Ballard

Wed MAR 2, 2016
Up at 9:30am. Had cold sweat 3am. Had to get up to use the bathroom. Muscle knots.
I’m doing OK at the moment. The morning went pretty fast. I worked on Sid’s pharmacy website. And wrote some on Pagepipe. Made a list og goals. Had lunch with Terrie. No knots but feel it creeping up on me after lunch.
“Diligent Learning”
Stress popping in and out during afternoon and evening.

Thurs. MAR 3, 2016
Wept while reading about Divine Intervention and miracles on LDS.org. Later stress returned. My subconscious wants something pretty bad.

“The dead end of reasoning.”

Recognize the hand of the Lord.

SAT MAR 5, 2016
Yesterday was difficult. Today studied Wiki about complex grief and nervous breakdown. Same stuff. This triggered by DVD I listened to yesterday about Brene Brown’s breakdown. That caused major stress. I cried when Terrie came home. Loneliness. Purposeless. After felt better. Watched TV and ate popcorn together.
Terrie is gone to Spokane for Levi’s robotic competition. I got up about 8:30am. Been taking care of web and email business: Sid’s and PagePipe.

Sunday MAR 6, 2016
High Stress. Cried on the way to Church. Bore my testimony. Stress is lower now after eating, nap, and exercise. Just wrote John Russel about my experience.

MON MAR 7 2016
Life is just too hard right now.

TUE MAR 8, 2016
Today is better. Read about nervous breakdown symptoms.
Watched Brene Brown two TED talks. Been rel dizzy the last few days.

WEDS MAR 9 2016
Up at 8:30am. Hard time going to sleep last night. Tried to dream of a possitive future. Finished: “The Gift of Imperfection” by Brene Brown.

Love is more powerful than fear for self-motivation.

Selfcompassion.com

Blessing from Dana “peace of mind.”

FRI MAR 11, 2016
Yesterday I had lots of stress, pain, anad anxiety. Stayed in bed until noon. May have been stress from visiting Dana. Last night I watched 2 hour church video crying helped relieve some stress. At 2am, I was still awake.
Slept til 7:30am and then lay in bed to 10:30am. Levi is home sick. Sinus infection.
Feeling pretty belak. Trying to do some kind of work on the computer. Was knotting up. Better at the moment.

MON MAR 14 2016
Up at 8am then went back to bed until noon. Needed rest. Yesterday had blessing from President Gardner. “Study the next life and it’s application to today. Blessed my body and mind. Hannah’s (Levi’s girlfriend) little miracle. Lots of dizziness and stress. Emotional depletion or fatigue.

Worked on DeborahTeare.com

TUE MAR 15, 2016
Got up at 11am. Dizzy. 2Pm therapy with Jeanne. Stress = something emoitnal needs to be processed. Talked with Brad.

WED MAR 16, 2016
Up at 10am. Wrote Terrie and Karra. Cried big time. Started Deb Tear’s website. Took Levi to eye doctor. Watched Brene Brown creativity link from Brad.

The Best Moments of My Life

You are not alone.
Waht I do is enough.
Worked on Deb’s site and listened to Brene Brown until Levi got home midnight.

THUR MAR 17, 2016
Up at 7am. Saw creativity as medicine last night. Dreamt of protecting Levi from Mad Man. Looked through Craigslist jobs and cried hard. Tired. Studied about “trance.” Napped from 2pm to 5pm.
Dreading going to addiction recovery tonight.

FRI MAR 18, 2016
Cried all the way home from addiction recovery group. Terrie was watching Dorian and Zelner. Brad called and we talked for 2.5 hours about a EMDR and our childhoods. Lilli came to pick up her car after singing in Spokane. We got to sleep around 1am. I got up at 7am and went back to bed 8:30am until 11:30am. Brody stopped to drop off some junk. He’s camping with Thane. Wrote to Brad about art trance.
Hypnotism with Mark Hull – deep relaxation. Very afraid.

SAT MAR 19, 2016
Slept until 10:30am. Hypnotism seems to work well. Watched Church talks. Watching Levi’s robotics some stress cried twice. Cried in shower weeping. Cried in bedroom.
Wrote Aunt Margaret. Called Brad. 435-232-1863. Worked on documenting Deb’s website.

SUN MAR 20, 2016
Went to church alone. Linger longer. Nap deep sleep. Wake with anxiety unlocked door. Terrie and Levi came home. Rode bike. Worked on SS lesson.

MON MAR 21 , 2016
Slept til noon. Wen to Lewiston with Terrie for foot. Slept from 5 to 7pm. Stayed up til 2am documenting Deb’s site.

TUE 22 MAR 2016
Raining. Up at 11am. Realized yesterday I was trying too hard and scheduling too much. Lots of crying today. Worked on PagePipe reformatting. Testing infinite scroll. To bed at 1:30am

WED 23 MAR 2016
Up at 11am. Worked on PagePipe. Went to WP meetup to Bed as 10pm.

THU 24 MAR 2106
Up at 6:15am. Went to temple with Cotton. Nap 4 to 6:30pm. Then to AR group 7:30pm.

FRI 25 MAR 2016
Up at 8am. Read Priesthood manual for 1 hour. Email. 11Am meeting w/ Bruce Wright psychiatrist. Anxious during the rest of the day and tired. Slept from 4 til 6 pm.
Bruce’s book recommendation: “Get out of your mind and into your life.” – Steve Hayes. Work on analyzing WSU website.

0. Expectation.
1. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
2. Goldplating.
3. Point of diminishing returns.
4.Value Analysis
5. C=1/$
6. Creative Expectation

SAT 26 MAR 2106
Karra came to visit I cried when she left. Evaluated WSU site today.

SUN 27 MAR 2016
Taught SS and Priesthood. Fast & testimony. Cried most of the day at one time or another.

MON 28 MAR 2016
Got up at 9am. Read Priesthood manual about sacrament and cried until 10am.
Took out trash did dishes. Got up and did email and writing stuff until noon. Worked on PagePipe until 4pm. Forgot pills at noon.
Shielgh Hallagan & Bruce Pemberton had dinner with us.
Today was a difficult day. Stress etc.

TUE MAR 29, 2016
Impressions to visit Kelly Farnsworth family. Got up at 11am. Had insomnia at 1am last night. Cried and took a Neurontin for foot nerve burning. Dizzy this morning. Stress level down. 2Pm appointment with Jeanne therapy. Mark Smith visited. Nap- woke with big stress 9pm.
Stress. Cried. Rode bike. Worked on Tearelabs from 12 until 3:30am.

WED MAR 30, 2016
Stressful day. Wept 3 times. Went to Farnsworths w/ Dana. Cooked dineer. Talked with Mike M. in afternoon.

THUR MAR 31 2016
Up at 11am. Worked on migrating Sid’s WP site.

FRI SAT SUN APRIL 2016- Conference weekend
Saw Randy Spenser. Cried during all of conference. Big meltdown Sunday night. Friday couldn’t migrate site with automation. SAT finished migrating sid’s site by hand.

MON 4 APR 2016
Tired. Discouraged. Did dishes, trash, laundry. Levi’s home for break. Terrie’s first day of work. Rode bike. Met w/ Pasha (work) Studied about panic attacks.

TUE 5 APR 2016
Read a lot of WIKI today. About stress and grit. Got up at 9am. Talked w/ Terrie about Friends of Hospice website. Took a nap. Got up. Felt impressed to have Bruce Pemberton come over and eat stew. Rode bike. Read priesthood manual. Cried. Wept. Watched end of Levi’s movie til 1am.

WED 6 APR 2016
Got up at 11:30am. Dishes, trash, cried. Post-traumatic Growth Thriving. Visited Dana at 7pm. Nap w/ Terrie. Read Priesthood manual.

THU 7 APR 2016
Park with kids. DJ and Cora. ARG at 7:30. Worked until 4am on presentation.

FRI 8 APR 2016
Terrie’s work phone 332-4414. Cried a a lot. Much stress. Watched TV for 1 hour or so with Terrie. Cried when I woke up. Cried when I went to bed. Got up and worked on “Presentation” from 11pm until 2am. Felt numb.

SAT 9 APR 2016
Up at 11am. Feeling down. Read Missionary Handbook. Wrote Jesse the web guy I met at WP meetup.

MON 11 APR 2016
Saturday night Terrie and I went to Adult Session of Stake Conference. Sunday Monirng to session. Sat next to Brody cried a lot. Found Elder Snow disnt make me cry at all. My lie has been hell for weeks but no panic attack sine SUN 3 APR at night. I realized this was the second panic attack. The firs was JAN 31st Mom’s B-day. I was home alone. Teh 2nd panic attack was two days before the anniversary of Mom’s death.
When I lay down to rest, I can relax and get the shoulder stress to leave.
Sometimes I take a third Lorazepam when the stress just seems unbearable. IF my nerve pains are flaring in my foot. I take an extra Neurontin at night.
At night, I can work while Terrie is asleep. But sometimes It’s just brain-dead living. Solitaire and music.
I need ot set goals for PagePipe.
spenserrandy@hotmail.com 509-336-9657

WED 12 APR 2016
Yesterday I learned from EMDR that my mother tried to kill me when I was about 5 years old. Note: This was just the start of information.

FRI 15 APR 2016
Had AR group last night and special grief group today. I was the only one at both. The tender mercies of the Lord.

SAT 16 APR 2016
Much stress last night. Cried several times. Rode bike at 3am. Looked at themes for new project. Studied peace and forgiveness. Went and picked up Levi at dance. Worked on website.

SUN 17 APR 2016
Church. Linger longer. Nap. Talk in living room with Levi.

THU 21 APR 2016
Mon -meltdown.
Tue & Wed – mowed lawn
Wed – gave wp meetup presentation
Lots of stress

FRI 22 APR 2016
Lots of stress. Went and got car repaired. Saw Levi’s play.

SAT 23 APR 2016
Up at 7am.
Computer for Bryce. Studied ARP lesson materials from 10am to 2pm. Took a nap. Visited w/ John, Bryce, Lilli, Brody.

SUN 24 APR 2016
Up at 6:30am.
Printed animals. Reviewed lesson. Church. Visited Van Dyke’s slept 3 hours. Stress. “It isn’t a sin to be weak.” APR 2015 Ensign.

MON 25 APR 2016
Up at 7am. Presentation WSU. Worked on Sue Weavers optimization. Wept without cause pretty hard at bed time. Bruce visited.

TUE 26 APR 2016
Woke at 6am with stress and flaming nerve pains. Up at 7am Levi leaving for St. Louis robotic competition. Worked on Friends of Hospice site.

THU 28 APR 2016
Yesterday very stressed. Worked in the morning on F of H site.
Afternnon- physical exam. Hour nap. Visited Dana 7 til 9pm. Brad called. Today up at 8am. Worked on F of H site. Dinner w/ Terrie. ADR group. Worked until midnight after riding bike.

FRI 29 APR 2016
Up at 11am. Prayer with Terrie. Levi and Terrie are gone. Worked on speed improvements. By 7pm – very stressed. Slept unitl 11pm. Worked until 4am.

SAT 30 APR 2016
Up at noon (actually 9:30am) then lay in bed thinking after feeding the dogs. Ithen ate sandwich, piles. Bike. Mail. Studied Preach My Gospel, Now almost 2pm. Talked to Terrie. Studied about branding agencies. Nap. Then dinner. Studied about event plugins for Palouse.

SUN 1 MAY 2016
Testimony. Out to Gardener’s for dinner w/ Gutshalls.

MON 2 MAY 2016
Up at 11am. Difficult morning but have had worse. I am still weeping.
TUE 3 MAY 2016
Met w/ Annie at 10am. Home at noon. Getting ideas for Palouse site. Took nap until 2pm. Worked 2pm unitl 5pm. Dinner. Talked with Levi and Terrie. The felt stressed out. Laida down from 6 til 7pm cried. Watch TV. Ride bike. Loose bowels. Watched Church videos and wept. Bough Brad’s magazine. 1am.

WED 4 MAY 2016
Got new CPAP machine. Mowed lawn. Visited Dana.

SAT 7 MAY 2016
Yesterday Tough day. Brody’s graduation dinner. Today up at 10am lay in bed for 2 hours. “Power of Habit” Charles Duhigg. Small wins. I’m chaning my life and allow relapses. Willpower is an acquired skill. What is my new reward system? Goal write at PagePipe article about writing for the web. Napped a couple of hours. 110/65 low-blood pressure.

SUN 8 MAY 2016
Up at 8am. Church. Cried before and after but not during. Nap. Cried watching church videos online.

MON 9 MAY 2016
Hard Day. Alice was born. Cried for hours in utter despair. No relief. Bed at 2:30am.

TUE 10 MAY 2016
Up at 1pm. Taking it easy after last night.

WED 11 MAY 2016
Trash night. Talked with Brad on phone. Feeling better. Attempted mowing lawn. Visited Comstocks with Dana.

THU 12 MAY 2016
Went to temple with Cotton. 4Pm meeting F of H website. AR 12-step 7:30 to 9pm.

FRI 13 MAY 2016
Time with Terrie. Potato salad. Studied AR stuff.

SAT 14 MAY 2016
Brody’s farewell picnic. Stressful day. Cried at night.

SUN 15 MAY 2016
To church. Linger longer. “God’s work in your life is bigger than the story you’d like that life to tell.”

MON 16 MAY 2016
Up @ 9am. Worked on Palouse website.

SUN 29 MAY 2016
Last Wednesday 25th May finally got to the truth with EMDR. At age 4, I was raped by my Dad and then my suicidal mother attempted drowning me in the bathtub. A heavy load seems gone. But I expect some relapses of PTSD. We’ll see. God is healing me. Slowly. 8 months of weeping. And physical pain.

WED 1 JUN 2016
FIRST DAY I DIDN’T WEEP IN 8 MONTHS.

SAT 18 JUN 2016
Still no weeping. Some crying – but just a little. The nerve pain in my shoulder and arm is reduced but sometimes still annoying. Stress comes and goes. IT seems unpredictable. I wonder if I’ll ever stop being afraid.

WED 22 JUN 2016
Wept last night. Not sure why. Levi and Hannah painted 2nd time on Tree of Life.

[MAY 17 – ADR – 12th JUN 2nd —

SAT 3 SEP 2016
Dr Nik Hedberg first contacted me on JUL 6 while I was still working on the Palouse website ($1,700) He came to me via PagePipe.com. By 8/3/16, he wants me to rework his site strategy. August 16 – $900 deposit. Todya I finished the site. 154 working days. 19 days delivery.

The Lord has given me paying work. I am grateful.

MON 26 SEP 2016
Yesterday, Bill Gardner’s baby yesterday. I didn’t have the usual pain in my arm and shoulder. I was pain free all day. Lat Friday EMDR with Jeane discovered Dad hit me when mom cowered in corner of bathroom and I tried to keep him from her. He may have knocked me out. I was tyrig to save her. I’ve been a coward ever since. I have not liked men and been paranoid since them. I’ve had very little stress pain today.

TUE 26 SEP 2016
Some stress in he night. Shoulder knotted up and sore this morning. Took some Tylenol.

TUE 4 OCT 2016
I think I’[m felling depressed. Life is hard. Working helps. Hands feel prickly lately. Nerve pain.

MON 10 OCT 2016
This week God gave me another website and conversation with a fellow from London. Yesterday, I bore my testimony to Bishoprics council of ARG benefits – an important moment.

TUE 11 OCT 2016
Dream: Beth bruised face. Feasly – “Nothing’s wrong.”

WED 19 OCT 2016
I’m trudging on. 2 weeks ago I missed a Friday appointment w/ Jeanne & din’t ride my bike for 4 days. I had a rush web job for Dr. Hedberg & went into panic mode. Rough times but $700 more dollars.

There are times when I am inexplicably emotional and have to cry. Sometimes I lay in bed and weep. I feel all alone struggling. This happens weekly but doesn’t last long.

I jjst got a $100 gift from a reader in Florida. Mike is his name. It’s reassuring and tears came to my eyes for his kindness. I alos went ot lunch today for the 4th time with Bruce Pemberton. These people have been good to me.

I’m changing studioboom for vloggers.

24 OCT 2016
Got dizzy (therapy) and have been stumbling and room spinning until today. Better but still some. Working on VeeBoom. The dizziness last from Friday to Friday 1 week.

THU 17 NOV 2016
Idea for video headers from the Lord. Note: Never went anywhere for sales.

Russ Hayes 509-592-8861

SUN 11 DEC 2016
We stayed home from church today. Terrie is very sick. Levi has a cough. And I stayed up writing “Jelly Belly defeats the Bone Monster.” I missed Thursday group meeting on the 8th. Second miss – I fell asleep and no one was home. Didn’t wake up until 8pm. I haven’t been sleeping at night.

THU 15 DEC 2016
It’s apparent I’m having anxiety disorder. I’m agoraphobic. I’m afraid of old age, destitution, dying, I perceive danger in everything. I’m not having panic attacks but I have unexplained weeping over emotional topics of any sort. Sleep cycles are messed up.

THU 5 JAN 2017
Missed group tonight. Sinus infection. Started z-pak today. Been depressed. Don’t know what to do with whats left of my life. Suing S.A.D. lights.

1. Who are you? – name.
2. What do you love to do? – What is the one thing you feel supremely qualified to teach other people?
3. Who do you do it for? (serve)
4. What do they want or need?
5. How do they change or transform from what you teach as a result?

“Do the impossible.” Crazy at first. “Prove yourself wrong.” Surround yourself with passionate people.

TUE 10 JAN 2017
Lots of snow and ice. Just recovered from sinus infection. Appt. w/ Jeanne 11am. I’m trying to sort things out. Validation.

FRI 13 JAN 2017
Pretty vs Performance

SAT 14 JAN 2017
Dreamt Gaylon asked me to be on Decagon’s board of directors. We both wept. I woke feeling wanted and needed. Big weep in living room.

SUN 15 JAN 2017
Act opposite to fear. Prove you are safer than you thin. Sneaky misplaced anxiety. Counterintuitive.

MON 16 JAN 2017
I’m just surviving. My self-care is way down. No exercise for 1 month.

TUE 17 JAN 2017
Talked w/ Levi last night. Figured if he could learn to turn a car while petrified, I could learn to live again. I began exercise again today (bike 30 min) And worked on PagePipe.

WED 18 Jan 2017
School canceled today because of melting snow.

THU 19 Jan 2017
Good dady. Built Brad’s website. But high anxiety. Clenched jaw so hard had toothache for 2 days. Fainted at 4pm on bed. Took extra Lorazepam.

SAT 21 JAN 2017
Had appt w/ Bruce W. Haircut lunch w/ Lilli. Iced tooth. Today working on PagePipe.

SUN 22 JAN 2017
Terrie’s been doing a 24/7 vigil with her Dad.

THU 26 JAN 2017
Been rebuilding PagePipe to be more giving. Grandpa B. came to our house to die.

WED 1 FEB 2017
Terrie’s Dad died this morning about 3:30am. He lived for 9 days without foor or water.

MON 13 FEB 2017
Had a panic attack & flashback last Thursday – wrists held down into abdomen.

FRI 17 FEB 2017
Yesterday court in Spokane for disability.

SUN 5 MAR 2017
Went to group. 1st time in 3 months. Since Jan. Elder and Sister Miller.

MON 6 MAR 2017
Been having a rough go. Emotionally fragile. Cried Sat nite. Sunday at Church, Sunday nite, and this morning. Aunt Margret sent me an old family movie. Trigger. Did SAD lights & rode bike. Kept Levi home because I didn’t want to be alone.

MON 10 APR 20017
Saturday last I finally wept about Nathan being in prison. I’m still attending group therapy on Thursday nights at the church. Jeanne Steffen every two weeks for PTSD and depression. Bruce Wright for med management. Big purge of half PagePipe’s content. Focusing.

TUE 11 APR 2107
Finally got back on the exercise bike after 3+ months. Edited Levi’s Story #2 last night. Worked on PagePipe yesterday.

FRI & SAT 14-15 APR 2017
Black despair.

TUE 18 APR 2017
Some breakthroughs in EMDR therapy. The myth of the parental curse. Monday was Virginia’s funeral.

FRI 12 MAY 2017
I actually noticed feeling better this morning. My Depakote was raised to 750mg then I got sick from eating meat.

WED 28 JUN 2017
Yesterday received notification by phone that I had approval for SS disability benefits. What that means I don’t know. It’s the best news I’ve had for sometime.
Bill Gardner, branch president, gave me a blessing on Sunday. I feel the SS call “now” instead of 5 months from now was a result of that blessing. Oddly, that has not alleviated my stress level yet. The last few weeks have been bad.

THU AUG 10 2017
Brad’s house
Today I was in SLC at Brad’s studio. I woke at 10am and by 11am walked to the South Visitor’s Center on Temple Square. Two sisters greeted me. One was from Finland and the other from South Korea. The Finish missionary spoke English quite well. She talked with me aboaut where I was from and why I was in SLC. Then she said, “You have come here today with a purpose and will find your answers here.” I was immediately touched and teared up. I had prayed that morning that God would give me some direction concerning what to do with my life.
After I had toured the building, I went back to the Finish sister and told her she had the discerning of spirits. She said that she had prayed for that gift so she would know how to help people who came to the center. She asked if I had found my answer. I said, “No.” And she asked if I wanted to see a Church movie. She had a long list and I told her I didn’t know what topic would be best. So she recommended I watched a video about the translation of the Book of Mormon from Oliver Cowdery’s perspective.
In the movie, , Oliver asks Joseph for a reassurance from the Lord since he can’t see the plates. A revelation is given to Joseph and dictated. In that the Lord tells Oliver to remember the night he cried unto the Lord in the night to know what he should do and then the Holy Ghost came to him and he was at peace that he should go and help Joseph.
Oliver then knew and was reassured because only the Lord and he could have known about the experience.
“Doubt not. Fear not.” is what Joseph told Oliver afterwards.

“Everyone wants to hear the truth until an INFJ opens their mouth.”

MON 16 OCT 2107
Went with Marc Smith to give Brother Davies a blessing. He got run over by his truck while working on it. Powerful blessing Marc gave him. Most powerful I’ve heard since Bruce R. McKonkie ordained my Dad back in the 70s.

Life’s been rough. I was getting depressed. Went down 1mg on Lorazepam about 1 month ago and down to 500mg of Depakoate 2 weeks ago.
While this helped (plus SAD lights). I have had more stress. And EMDR in therapy was non-productive. I’m afraid to remember that bad memories that lurk in my subconscious.

Still going to group every Thursday but that is sometimes hard as Katelyn’s experience and desperate situation trigger fear for me.

MON 22 JAN 2018
I am still going to therapy every 2 weeks w/ Jeanne Steffan. I go to group at the church every week on Thurs night. I am working on two points of PTSD memories: “blood at Christmas” and “ what happened after Mom attempted suicide and drowning me?”

Had a priesthood blessing for PTSD 2 weeks ago. I’m completely off Depakote and seem to feel OK. I use my SAD light for 1 hour each day and started using my bike 30 min everyday last November on. I hadn’t ridden awhile of too much Depakote and Lorazapam. After lowering the dose, I had an improved mood change.
I still go to lunch with Bruce Pemberton on Wednesday, But that is going to have to be every other week.
April 12, 2016 wsa the discovery date of trauma. It’s been almost 2 years.

“To reveal things which had never been revealed.” Alma 26:22

SUN 4 FEB 2018
I was verbally attacked by Bruce Blazzard at church. “Are you insinuating Jesus Christ is NOT my home teaching companion?”

TUE 12 FEB 2019
I overcame that “Blazzard Attack” but it was a difficult trial of my faith.
I’m still in therapy. Jeanne Steffan left to NC last June and in Sept or OCT 2018, I began seeing Katie Caffery in Pullman. It’s been rough.
I’m stilt going to group on Thursday and am now the facilitator.

Deb Teare died in November 2018. I’m going to visit my Dad next week in Georgia.

WED 27 MAR 2019
In March 2019, I went to Georgia and after 45 minutes visitation I told my father, “Dad, I remember what you did to me when I was a boy. I’ve come a long way to tell you this … I forgive you.” Then Is tood up gave him a hug and said, “I lvoe you.” And I wept.
He didn’t know who I was. But he hadn’t changed inside. He was proud, aloof, and still angry inside. And of course, unaware.”
But his spiritual ears heard me. I could tell by the set of his jaw. The clamping I knew well as a boy. Like a bull dog.

Levi and I then went to the rental car and I cried some. I don’t know what change to expect. But to truly change you must forgive.
Therapy continues to be brutal. I leave there in despair.
I recognize I don’t feel worthy of any love. Yet, God does love me. The deep shame of my childhood is driving my contempt. A mask to hide fear of pain. I’m suspicious of all humans. I hope to someday to see myself through God’s eyes.

I have lunch tomorrow with Cotton. Terrie and I are going to the Spokane Temple. Saturday.

How will I ever be free?

SUN 15 DEC 2019
My dad died at the end of August 2019. I went to his funeral with Brad. I dedicated his grave. It was a rough experience. I came home burnt out.